thoughts/feelings/etc.

I can't take it anymore. I feel so lonely and sad all the time that i just don't know what to do with myself. I just feel like throwing up; in hopes that this feeling will go away. I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I just want to rip my heart out and throw it on the ground and just leave it there. I don't even know what I want anymore. Maybe I just want to stop crying all the time. Maybe I just want to be happier, I really don't know. I hate myself for feeling like this but i don't know what else to do with my life. I constantly feel like I have no friends. I feel like i'm worth anything, which might be true, but I just don't want to be reminded of it all the time. I don't know. I hope this is just a temporary feeling, because I don't really need this right now.

idk what to do with myself. i think i'm in love. or something. this is a weird feeling. i wish life would stop torturing me like this.

All these years I've tried so hard not to like anyone and then this year this guy just waltzes into my life and makes me feel like i'm not good enough or something. It's a strange feeling, actually. He "flirts" and smiles, and looks at me all the time while I'm reading, doing work ,or just talking to my friends, but when I try talking to him he kind of pushes me away. We haven't really talked much but he makes me feel weird. I am constantly thinking about him, but there's nothing I can do. I am just trying so hard not to fall for someone that I might never see again after June. The way I feel towards this person is awkward, only because I've never felt like this before and it's a strange feeling. I hope I don't end up being disappointed or anything. I just hope things go back to normal. I hate feeling like i can't do anything. Feeling trapped in my own feelings. I guess that's it.

i don't really know how to feel anymore. i just want to feel numb. i want to feel nothing at all. everything going on around me is chaotic. i feel like i can't do anything about it. well, i can't, but sometimes i wish i could. i'm trying really hard to keep my cool but i can't. i wish i could run away sometimes, and never come back. the only problem is that i'm afraid. afraid of everything. i'm never going to be the person i am trying so hard to be. i'm never going to please anyone or myself. i just feel like a failure. i feel like sleeping and crying all day but i'm not allowing myself to do so because i don't want to seem weak. i don't need that right now. this is a stupid post.

hating life(:

Christmas wasn't the greatest. i just felt like a cock blocker the whole time. oh, and to make matters worse my mom got me something i didn't need which was also expensive. sometimes i wonder why she's dumb. i mean, i already have like 5 hair straighteners i don't think i need more, jesus. i would've been happy with a gift card or money, but no, not in this world or the next. i feel ungrateful, but it's true. why buy something i already have? that just doesn't make sense. idek. i hate my life. i just want to cry.

i guess this is going to one of those blogs where i post about everything. cool. good thing no one's going to read these super queer posts :-)